Failures, Hopelessness and Cream Pie

I'm twenty now, and my list of failures in life has reached alarming proportions. I was probably one of the first people to scoff at the term 'quarter life crisis'. I thought it was a neologism thrust upon us by greedy faceless money churning corporations so that they could squeeze every penny from us by making us buy droves of useless paraphernalia. But it apparently is very much alive and pumping. I seemed to have avoided this landmine though. My friends seem to have been hit hard. While i sing like a canary and look for unsuspecting god fearing citizens on whom i might inflict my 'Good deed for the day', my friends are mired in a cesspool of their own negative energies. I inhale ice cream by the gallon while they choke on every morsel. I skip (the annoying kind) to the bus stop while my friends can't seem to drag their poor helpless bodies out of bed. Feeling left out of all the group solidarity, i have decided to present a compilation of my failures.

1. Hit an all time low as far as prowess on the football field is concerned. The team i get chosen into makes no secret about their displeasure about being stuck with me and conveniently tells me to wait outside so that i don't get hurt. I don't blame them

2. Came in sixteenth in a nine mile marathon.

3. Never can i get a waiter to pay attention to me. I'm always left jabbing my finger in the air like I'm gauging the wind direction. Of course, this always happens when there are girls at the table.

4. My GPA finally said, " Its getting hard to breathe up here. Houston, I'm bringin' 'er down." I went from a robust 9.7 to a ghastly..no..my cultured education doesn't permit me to utter it's negligible magnitude.

5. My guitar playing sounds as if someone just gassed a whole chamber of cats in heat. Simple chords escape me. I try to play a C and it comes out a G#.

6. I'm twenty and not that magical age of ten. Must obtain secret from Peter Pan

7. I'm the butt of all jokes. On a good day, I spot a joke I could have been made the butt of , but nobody else does, so they let it pass.

8. I can't drive a car. Neither can i ride a bike. I can walk though.

9. I'm twenty.

10. My frantic chants and yells seem to make the Indian Cricket Juggernaut sputter and retire with an Aspirin by its bedside. Why don't they worrrrk?????

11. My two minute noodles get done within the specified time, but it takes another ten, to scrape them from the vessel.

12. I sing like a rake on chalkboard.

13. I'm born on the longest day of the year.

The above list will regularly be updated so my imaginary readers may enjoy new material.